And yet, and yet… we sit in a packed bar and get third place rosette for dressage, and your grin and your head explodes with joy!
I wrote previously about the mixed feelings I have about awards and prizes here Above is the message I received from Him afterwards, pointing out that I do care and it started me thinking more about pride, being proud of me and why I might struggle to do that.
In my previous post I wrote that I felt I couldn’t trust myself to achieve goals and targets that I might set for myself and I preferred not to risk setting them because of this. Oddly though, one of the first things that He started to set me as a task was ‘Make me proud’. This injunction seemed to bypass my fear of disappointing as all I had to do was to be eye and eye was fearless and able to do the things I had, for so long, been unable to do. Our D/s framework allowed me to risk disappointment and to shine. He calls it flying. He tells me to fly, and I fly because He asks me to. This would not work if He hadn’t already done the work of making me feel safe enough to follow His request. This is actually where the magic is, where I become slightly incoherent when I try to explain it, because our circumstances are complicated and, in my case were very volatile and actually unstable. Somehow though I instantly knew I could trust Him.
As I am writing this I recall one of our first conversations where He told me He would hurt me but He would not harm me. There have been times where this was brought into stark relief and I needed to check in with myself to ask was I was being done harm to because some things that have happened in our time together that have truly hurt (those stories are for another time though),
I learned to like flying, I enjoy the feeling of the wind under my wings and I like the new places it takes me to and the new people I meet here.
I have been practising letting myself be proud of me by wanting to make Him proud and then because it matters to me what He thinks, risking the possibility of future disappointments and feeling proud of me in the moments that I create in my life. I am living more fully into parts of me that either had to be hidden from others, or more damagingly, from myself.
I have career now, not just a job or a business. I am respected in an arena I feel a part of, I am uncovering the unique skills I bring to whatever party I attend, these are based in the parts I had to shove down in my previous life. I also know that I have a partner who will support me because of all of me, not conditionally. Without minimising the importance of that I also know that I can go through the storm and survive.
I am proud of me.