In my blog I talk about control and chocolate here –https://cleareyedgirlblog.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/… and as I was browsing FL today I came across some writing about memories and attempts by ex lovers to trigger or hook us back into the relationship.
I started thinking about my son bringing letters to me from the home I left just over a year ago. Amongst them was a bulging envelope with a note from my ex wishing me a happy birthday and containing a chocolate lollipop.
Also with it was a chocolate chicken.
I looked at these totems, representing my appetites, my desire to be seen, loved and acknowledged, my hope and ache for lost couple-dom as I opened the other letters, sorted them into piles to be dealt with, filed or recycled. I mused on my detachment from the weight of them. Noticing that I didn’t fly straight into feeling his feelings, imagining the impulses that might have made him write the note or buy the chocolate, projecting onto him all good intent and ascribing to myself all negative capricious thought.
As I sorted with my mail; pausing to consider whether I needed to be concerned by the poor bank balances and large credit card bills that I carried as a result of my relationship and deciding that “no, I was a work in progress and would rise again”; I weighed the cost of the chocolate to him. A few moments in Waitrose, a miniscule part of his salary spent, with the potential gain of my good wishes and possible return and the added value of good opinion of his son who he used to transport it to me.
A great buy-one-get-one-free offer.
I considered the potential cost to me of letting this person back into my life to wreak havoc once more like an overgrown toddler as he demanded access to all parts of me in the name of unconditional love, as the memories of days at the seaside with the children, family Christmas’ and celebrations, walks and happier times washed over me,
It took a moment to decide what to do really.
I chucked the note in the bin, picked up the chocolate chicken and bit its head off.
eye April 2016