She stares at her phone through slitted eyes. Her tormentor and saviour; she loves to hate it. The flashing blue light in the top left hand corner signifies connection, a message from him, the one she waits for, whose instructions or requests she lives to fulfil but whose very presence in her life both satisfies a desire and creates a need.
Prowling the kitchen like a cat on heat she is inches away from pressing herself against vibrating dishwashers, assessing spatulas for their springy, gasping sting, pegs for their pinching pressure, eyeing candles, carrots, parsnips and courgettes for their phallic potential.
A lady no more, that shroud has dropped from her shoulders and raw need pulses through her body, an ache that cannot be escaped or denied.
“Why doesn’t he write a message?” She stares at the recalcitrant screen, his name showing next to the “last seen” date and time stamp. Five minutes, that’s all since their last interaction yet it might be months for the sense of distress and loss the span generates in her. She wants to see “online” or better yet “typing” displayed. She loves it when it says typing.
As she becomes aware of her addiction to this man it both simultaneously distracts and enrages her. Yet again she is aware of her need and vulnerability. He owns her, at this moment she would sell her children to kneel at his feet. She is discomforted by this knowledge that hits her like a wave and leaves her wondering, how can this be? How could she come to this? Not only come to this but willingly walk along this road towards him? The need goes so deep and now awoken will not go lightly. The sense of discovery of herself, the very edges of herself and what she is capable of is intoxicating. She is alive.
There is no going back.
On the eve of Eroticon 2016 (#EroticonLive) I wanted to publish some writing that carried a sense of my journey, how I came to be here, what formed eye who has become the larger part of me having been sidelined and ignored for most of my life. Awakened by someone who saw that potential in me and who has encouraged me every step of the way to think, feel and experience my life for myself and to always, always have fun.
You know how I feel x