In a post 50 Shades world it is very common for D/s relationships to be regarded a thinly veiled excuse for an abusive relationship. Given that I have recently exited one of those myself why would a newly independent intelligent woman freely choose to hand over control to any one else?
That’s a question I have asked myself and I know some of my friends have too. However I wanted to write about how it works for us and how that has changed over time because change is the only constant we have. What works now because of the way our minds and bodies are may not work in the same way in two years and almost certainly won’t in ten. Since we are in this for the long haul this needs to be taken into account in our relationship and the foundations set for a healthy one long term.
We started online and progressed to meeting after six months of chatting. The details of that first meeting are here for those interested. It still makes me grin to remember it and I can never shop for courgettes without a frisson now. During that period we used to meet for a specific period of time, usually for 2-3 hours in a hotel room, as part of our working day. Weekends and evenings were sacrosanct and family time, I did not ask questions about His circumstances but gave Him open access to mine. I think I enjoyed the blank canvas this offered me, it certainly gave me a place for my nascent fantasy life. I had never had fantasies or shared them with anyone before, He made a safe place for me to do this and because I knew nothing about Him other than what I experienced in person and online I was able not to go down my usual well-travelled co-dependent ways of relating. He planned our meetings completely, from the point that I got there until He made sure I went off safely, exhibiting the same care and attention to detail that these messages show. This was a new thing for me as I had responsibility for planning in my household, I felt deeply cared for. It was a revelation. He used me sexually during those visits to both of our pleasure. It was my delight to serve Him in that way, and I have never experienced sexual connection like it. An essential part of me was allowed to make her way into life. I was whole, finally whole, and I knew why I had felt as though I was pushing against a flood for most of my life.
This was also a time of great creativity. My sexual awakening allowed me to write. He encouraged that (I now know that this had happened before, He is very good at spotting those of us who struggle in this way and creating the right environment for it to come out).
I realised I loved Him quite early on. Initially I was prepared for it to be just that; glorious unleashing of my self with a person I found I loved. When one afternoon in a Hilton Hotel I saw a look in His eyes I recognised as love and everything changed.
So we find ourselves four years on from that time. We have spent so much more time together this year and our carefully silo’d time together has spilled out across all of our life, bringing its own challenges and rewards with it. The time we spend has much less kinky fuckery in it due to various reasons – health, stress, the location of sexual desire in an established relationship, presence of animals, being in tents, the new nature of us. I imagine that this must happen to many others but it isn’t spoken about often. If one of you develops health issues that means changes have to be made in the how, where and when, it doesn’t mean it is over, it just means it has changed.
Dominance and submission though, can carry on in many other ways and we have found our ways to do this as shown by the messaging during the journey in the image above. He loves to plan, to guide and to lead me. I love to be led by Him. He always knows where we are going and the views are great on the journey too. The same transaction of information we had in our early days is still in place. I know that this is something others might struggle with but I actively appreciate not having the responsibility to push anything to through to fruition. Through this I have learnt to enjoy the process of life much more than the pursuit of certain outcomes.
However He assures me there is a plan for our us that means we will be together. I trust Him with this part of my life as I trusted Him when He hurt me for His pleasure. I want the next part of our journey together to come about because we both want it so much. Not because one of us made the other do it. I know that this is a better, albeit slower, route and that suits us.
I love that He loves me for not pushing. Sometimes it feels like the clamps He put on my so sensitive nipples that had me gasping for breath with their bite have been applied again. I wanted them off, OFF! And as quickly as possible. But just as when He took my hand and pressed it to his crotch where I felt His hardening cock and lifted my chin, and looked into my tear filled eyes and said “see what effect you have on me when you hold on for me”and my heart melted with love and connection and pride in that moment. It does now as I write about us.
I held on for Him and was proud of myself for doing it just as I hold on now. It is my submission and His Dominance that is still the focus of our togetherness no matter how ordinary it may look from the outside and we know this.