I collected Him from my home town’s train station. Waiting for His familiar grin to enter my field of vision I squinted up the platform, and, as I turn, catch sight of Him almost managing to sneak up and pull my hair which is His preferred method of greeting me. Naturally this is followed swiftly by a deep hug and an even deeper kiss as I breathe deeply into his shoulder.
The bright autumnal sun seemed to reflect our happiness at being together. Earlier that day I had asked Him whether He wanted me in jeans or a skirt. Checking in for His preference has become something I do when I know I want to feel His touch and it makes me feel secure and cared for.
Now I am a big girl, I can choose my own clothes and I do it successfully most days, but like the Prince song “If I were your girlfriend” which asks “would you let me me dress you? I mean help you pick out your clothes before we go out? Not ‘cos you’re helpless, but just sometimes those are the things that being in love’s about” says, it feels intimate and vulnerable with just an edge of jeopardy (I mean what if He chose my shortest skirt with no knickers and stocking tops visible?) it reinforces the central tenant of our relationship in which He is my Master and I am His eye.
We met online, I spent 6 months talking to Him before agreeing to meet. I did the thing that many call cheating in order to pursue my own agenda with my own body. I felt compelled to explore what depths were there, unexplored and neglected. Once I had discovered that this was not going to be possible in my marriage. I made a decision to put myself and my own desires first, possibly for the first time in my life. Others faced with this choice decide not to go down that path and I respect and understand that. Knowing that your choices will hurt others is devastating. Knowing that you are unable to even bring them to the table for discussion in your primary relationship is similarly devastating.
Once you know that truth about your previous life decisions regarding partners and expectations, you need to work out if you are going to continue down that same path or if you will take the detour, off the main well-lit road and through the woods, possibly to meet the wolf who will devour you whole, possibly, hopefully to meet the wolf who will devour you whole.
There are always consequences for leaving the well trodden path, and I felt them in all parts of my life; relationships, career, home and finances. For a long time it felt like punishment, but I knew that I had begun to heal when it began to feel like freedom. From the start He told me, “this is not about fucking and it is not fucking about” Inadvertently, but with a surety that gave it a sense of fate revealed, we built a relationship in which we could both thrive that surprised us both at times with the depth of feeling and breadth of connection that we both experienced.
Today I am brought back to where we started. We passed by the funeral directors as we left the station and I popped in to hand over donations I had collected yesterday. As I came out again I saw Him standing, chatting with one of the directors that we had met with 2 weeks ago when he supported me during the initial meetings after my dad died. It struck me that He was connecting in my world at the most meaningful level and my heart sang.
Carrying on through the busy streets we stopped off to have coffee and cake. Whilst standing in the queue His fingers stroked my back, circling and pressing so that, without being consciously aware of it I entered a state of such deep peace and contentment, a suspended animation of calm in the eye of the busy cafe, that I came too with a start when we had to place our orders. My mind was at peace as my body simply focused on His touch, His presence and my position to it. I realised that this is where we started. It is where we will always connect.
In this ordinary day, the extraordinary connection we created when we met continues to support and feed us both as it deepens and grows. There is more to come. We have plans, He loves to plan, and I love it when He plans.