I shouldn’t have said yes to that boy who offered to take me for a drive.
I shouldn’t have said yes to the boy who invited me in when I told him what the first boy and I had done.
I shouldn’t have walked down the road, looking into the eyes of the young men that drove towards me.
I shouldn’t have said yes to the ones that stopped and asked me if I wanted a lift.
I shouldn’t have said yes when they asked ‘does someone here want to be saved?’
I shouldn’t have said yes when they invited me to walk to the front to be prayed with.
I shouldn’t have said yes when he asked me to marry him (twice)
I should have said no to leaving school at 16 with 2 O’Levels
I should have said no to asking him for money for my kids
I should have said no to answering any questions from him
I should have said no to him coming back into my bed after trashing my kitchen
I should have said no to the constant criticism of my girls
I should have said no to not going on holiday unless they were away with their dad
I should have said no to putting his needs before my own or my children’s
I should have asked the police to take him away when they offered.
I should have logged out of my gmail account before I went away for a weekend
I should have remembered that I am a FUCKING QUEEN
I should have made sure my husband knew it
I should have owned it, put on the mantle and worn the crown
I will never apologise for being me again
I will never be silenced by another’s neediness again
I will own my desires, celebrate my loves and live my life to the fill
I will take pleasure in small delights
And I will delight in the big ones
I will dare to love with abandon and with my whole heart
I will never abandon myself again