How are we all doing?
Things are good here. I thought I’d let you know how good and in what ways I counted it as such. What happiness feels like for me.
It’s new, it’s startlingly easy, it’s bizarrely OK. He asks what did I expect, He always knew we were good together, and I feel sad sometimes, that my anxiety will knock that certainty in myself at times. But one of the things that is new is the injunction not to try to fix myself because of my perceived failings but to accept, love and honour my thoughts and feelings in all their glorious colours and shades.
It’s the start of a new year, co-inciding with the start of this new journey together. No longer LDR, no longer enduring distance and enjoying reunions. Just us, every day, rubbing along together, making each other laugh, finding joy in nesting and loving, absolutely loving, sleeping and waking in each other’s arms at night.
This is a love story, not erotica, or a memoir charged with longing and loss. And it’s as scary as anything I have ever done. My fear about messing this up comes from my experience of love as conditional, predicated on my behaviour and of my willingness to sacrifice pretty near everything to keep that love. I still second guess myself at times. I find myself wondering whether or how, or when to speak out and then curse my lack of belief in the immovable nature of His love. I remember that it is understandable though when you have badly misread another’s reaction even though they were meant to be your number one person in the whole world in the past that you could end up homeless, and broke in one disastrous year.
Enough of this navel gazing though. It has occurred to me to set up another category on this blog called Object Permanence where I will document this new way of being. The Object Permanence refers not only to our change of circumstances but also to my goal and objective of not losing myself again in a relationship. I want to grow enough to hang on to me and my love. It’s an experiment alright because my training has been to immerse my self so deeply in the relationship from the other person’s perspective that I no longer knew my own.
This time, it will be different.
This time I will be me.