I don’t know about you but I am aware of tears not being far away most of the time. Outwardly I am doing OK, if a little distracted during my working day and finding it hard to concentrate and focus. But when you are self isolating that could be expected I think and in the main I am supported, my work is OK and my family well so far. So, why the tears?
If I enquire more closely into my feelings I notice this sense of loss, and below that fear of more loss, layered over an uncertainty that I haven’t felt for a while.
Generally my sense of being OK is firmly placed in my work, my sense of home and our us. I have been feeling pretty fearless about that recently because, I reasoned, I already knew what it was like to lose most of what was important in my life so what could hurt me now?
Turns out there are things that do still cause me to feel insecure. Seismic change such as the one we all face at this moment has that capacity. Whilst life is OK for now, what isn’t OK is the impact social distancing and self-isolation has on our physical relationship. It means it moves back to not knowing when we can be together again, that the activities we planned for the summer are most likely all cancelled. That the #InAField events that would have studded my diary during the summer weekends like jewels are no longer visible. That there may well be things outside of both our control that will impact our relationship and our capacity for time together.
Since I realised I was struggling, I also realised that many others would also be feeling this too. And in fact this doesn’t just apply to those in #LDR or #complicated relationships, it also applies to those of us who have a lot invested in #kinkytwitter or an alternative lifestyle. We will be feeling disconnected, worried about how to continue to connect to this vital part of ourselves and concerned about how the weight the sometimes opposing requirements our lives and ourselves can have on us. I decided to put some points out on twitter and these formed the basis of this post. It seems to me that at a point where everything seems up for grabs if it helps bring some certainty to us that won’t be a bad thing.
Accept your communication styles may need to change to accommodate different time availabilities – life is different right now, being flexible helps
Agree a third party contact for both of you for if shit gets real – nothing makes me feel worse that the idea that He was ill I wouldn’t know. Having a third party for both of us gives me reassurance
Be honest about your needs, and don’t try to protect each other from your need for your relationship. It isn’t a pressure, it’s the ground on which you stand
If you usually only message in between meet ups, agree and arrange calls. I find in difficult times the sound of His voice instantly calms me
Day to Day
Encourage real life contact with others for each other, it’s healthy and will benefit you both