I remember it so clearly. I was lying on my bed even though it was lunchtime, I was still wearing my underwear which was also odd as I like to sleep naked. However, I wasn’t there to sleep, I was there for my own pleasure, with a man that wasn’t there, and who also wasn’t my husband. We’d been talking for months, from early spring until this warm summer day. I could hear the cars on the busy road outside, going about their business as if something as if all was normal. So afraid of being caught was I that I wondered how could they not know what I was doing? I was sneaking time, on my own, in my own house, and I felt I was doing something bad. Well, since that was how it looked why not actually do something bad? Why not allow Him to guide me to an orgasm at my own hands?
Does that sound strange? It felt so radical then, still does actually, I had discovered orgasms at the end of my first marriage at the mouth of a very skilled and experienced lover. I had finally understood that pleasure like that could be possible. After that I was orgasmic with my second husband, never at his hands but again from his mouth. I discovered I had to be on top, the vulnerability of an orgasm from him whilst lying on my back seemed to make it impossible for me to come. I thought that was my fault.
Then, after reading about their existence on Fetlife, I bought a wand and found I could make myself come! I had the be standing up. Lying down still felt too vulnerable. Delighted I shared this amazing discovery with my husband. Sadly I discovered that my husband hated that thought, he hated the wand and refused to include it in our lovemaking. It also had a negative effect on his erections.
I felt bad that my pleasure seemed to mean that he had none and at that time I was a good wife and put it away. Until I started talking to M that is, and suddenly I could see this in a new light, and the fact that my husband and I were unable to talk about this in a new way too. I became a bad wife I suppose.
So, I was lying in bed and following his instructions. “Touch yourself there eye” he said, “as if your finger was a tongue licking an ice-cream, lick it lightly, swirl it around, now, do it hard for 10, stop, swirl lightly, keep going, now hard again for 20, don’t stop, feel the heat build, swirl again, now hard,” over and over again until I was panting.
Several times I got close the point of overwhelm and pulled back. It felt too vulnerable, too wrong, I needed to be pushed, taken beyond the point of no return. He coached me again; swirl lightly, clockwise, anti clockwise, take yourself there for me eye.
I pulled the skin on my mound taut at the top left position, (between one and two o clock) and pressed on, breathing into the delicious bubbling of desire and longing, and, as He said, “Imagine I have you in my arms and I am throwing you up to fly over the edge” I came for him.
That image, planted so deliberately in my mind by a man who understood my complicated relationship to pleasure and my body, the holding and the letting go, the being there to catch me as I fell, shattered me into the sparkly diamond fragments of light of our first shared orgasm and my first at my own hands.
We never practice orgasm denial because, as He says, “why would I want to stop you feeling pleasure my eye?” That is the difference in this relationship, our bond is positive not negative. Was started based in pleasure, and is now founded in love and security.
I want His happiness as much as I want my own, and I want that enough to do the things I need to do to get it even when growth is uncomfortable and difficult for me.
I know that He will always be there to catch me as I fly.