I haven’t been very comfortable in my body for the last year or so. Covid19 and the deaths of both my parents within 2 years hit my emotional and physical health dramatically The Germans have a word for it, don’t they always? They call it Kummerspeck or grief bacon and it feels apt. Composed of cortisol and solidified tears it settled around my middle in a way that felt unhealthy and was as unwanted as the causes. I have been working hard to regain my fitness levels for the past year and to get a handle on my emotional eating patterns. It’s been a real struggle at times, and whilst…
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A Manifesto for my 63rd year
I started the piece of writing thinking I was going to make a list of places I wanted to visit and experiences I wanted to have. I guess that will have to wait for another post as this is what came out of the ends of my fingers.
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Capturing desire
I take these pictures to see myself as desirable, to see myself the way others see me, to create desire in myself, for myself. In that respect it is very connected to my creativity. Desire is the engine to my will, the need to connect is the fuel. How do you create desire? Let me know 💋
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Lessons I have learnt from grief
Those of you that follow me on twitter will have seen my message about my mum’s death. She became ill with Corvid-19 around a week ago, her nursing home had an outbreak in the corridor of the building her room was on and they locked it down to isolate those people who were ill with it from those that weren’t. In retrospect it hasn’t taken long at all, however it feels like a journey of a million steps from there to here. Mum was comparatively physically robust, certainly when I contrast her with my dad’s frailty of the three years before he died. Her mind was where her fragility showed.…
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Love in a time of Corona Virus – when your relationship is LDR or complicated
I don’t know about you but I am aware of tears not being far away most of the time. Outwardly I am doing OK, if a little distracted during my working day and finding it hard to concentrate and focus. But when you are self isolating that could be expected I think and in the main I am supported, my work is OK and my family well so far. So, why the tears? If I enquire more closely into my feelings I notice this sense of loss, and below that fear of more loss, layered over an uncertainty that I haven’t felt for a while. Generally my sense of being…
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Eroticon 2020 virtual meet and greet
NAME (and Twitter if you have one) Hi I’m eye and on twitter I am @_Masterseye Tell us 3 things you are most looking forward to at Eroticon 2020 Being enthused and inspired by the speakers and the people I meet Catching up with people I know and love Meeting new people and getting to know them Sadly with a change of venue this year for the Friday night meet and greet we won’t be compiling a play list but I know that everyone enjoys that bit so…. What is a song that always makes you want to dance? OOH! This is hard, there are so many that I love…
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Regrets – I have a few, but then again …
How far do you go back? Before I was a woman, before I felt autonomous, before I was a mother, before I was a wife, before I knew, before I understood, before I could, before I knew I should, before when I thought I was loved, before I knew I was loved? I don’t know about you but regrets seem to come with a sense of responsibility and capability. If I look back I can only do it through the eyes of the person I am now. If I revisit places I feel I have fallen short, the ones where I have real regrets, I do it with a sense…
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“Like a frog slow boiled”
This post covers abusive relationships, co-dependency and CPTSD. Please do not read if you feel this might not be helpful post, it does revisit those places
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#F4TFriday – pride
but throughout it all, underneath the upset, the tears, and the turmoil I had a calm centre created from the knowledge that I had been truly seen for the first time in my life by someone whose opinion I trusted and I made Him proud.
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Friends – a #F4tFriday post
She found me raging in the university library about the lack of books, about the assumption that mature students could afford either the time to search for secondhand books or the money to buy them new. I was raging, spitting derision for the place, for the expectations and hiding behind that rage from my fear that I had made a terrible mistake. She saw my rage and didn’t hide from it, she knew it wasn’t aimed at her and wonder of wonders, what made me spiky and difficult to befriend for others became the reason she liked me. She always knew that my rage had the energy to overcome my…
